Misplaced Nostalgia

You never fully appreciate what you have, until you've lost it.

It's been just over a year since I've left high school. So just the other day, I caught up with a few friends I haven't seen much since then, and had a game of soccer. And then this afternoon, I spent an hour or two looking through my old schoolwork. And suddenly I was filled with a longing to go back to school.

No, I'm not going to pretend it was the most fantastic time of my life, because, in truth, it wasn't. In fact, I know that I prefer University much, much more. I enjoy the freedom more than anything. It's all up to me.

It's ironic then, that, after my friends, the thing I miss most about school is the structure and the security. The 'smothering' that I hated. The work that you had to do. The hours of homework that I needed to do each night (although didn't always get done), that I complained and grumbled about. It's gone now, and I miss it.

I think back, and think of all the things that are gone now, that I'll never get back. Why can't time just keep still? Why can't I just pick one moment in time, and just live like that forever?

I saw a play called One Hundred a couple of years ago. It was about just that. Upon death, people are faced with the choice of one memory which they are to live out forever for all eternity. Not one which their head chooses, but their hearts. If one is unable to choose such a memory before the count to one hundred is complete, then they perish into nothingness, which one of the five characters had to endure.

Remembering that gets me wondering, do I have a memory that I could live through forever? A single memory that I have absolutely no regrets about? I've got plenty of great memories, and yet, if I'm wondering about it, surely I haven't got that one, special memory? So obviously the answer is no.

And so this leads me to: Is there such a memory? An isolated incident which is just the most fantastical experience I've ever had, or will have? I think no. I don't think it's possible. Hopefully one day I'll prove myself wrong, but not now.

So maybe I'm going about it the wrong way. The memory that I want is perhaps located in the future, but definitely not in my past. The past is gone, and although not to be forgotten, is not to be dwelled upon.

I love daydreaming, and thinking about the past, but I should never forget to appreciate what's happening now, which I might miss later in life. That's the important lesson to learn, and the one which I should, and I think we all should, return to whenever we have this misplaced nostalgia.

It's been in one of my msn screen names for a while, but it's come around again:

People tend to be nostalgic about things they weren't so keen about the first time.

A Little About Me...

So I was going to introduce myself here. You know, what I do, how old I am, where I live, that kind of thing. I even filled out my profile before changing my mind.

You see, right now, I'm thinking it's better for people to form their own ideas on me (on the assumption that they continue to read this blog). There's no point in me telling you that I'm a caring, sensitive and modest guy. First of all you probably wouldn't believe me, and second, I'm demonstrating none of it in telling you that. You reading this are seeing none of it, and therefore it has no meaning.

My background should have no bearing on what you feel from reading this entire blog (all two entries of it so far :P). Instead, I hope to post, and let people make up their own minds about me.

The other reason I'm holding back is that you're never the same person. You are continually changing. I'm changing as I write this post. I'm wondering what's making me hold back, and it's changing who I am. I hope you, in the same way I'm changing, are either developing an understanding of me, or developing an understanding of what you think of my decision to do this.

I'm still trying to come to terms with what I think a blog should be. I've read a few here and there, but blogs haven't (as yet) been a huge interest in my life. But so far, I think a blog shouldn't be just a collection of "I felt bad today" and "Hurrah! I passed my chemistry test!" As important as it is to let those things out, it's just as important to stretch yourself, to discover what you think about, and to organise your thoughts. As I said in my last post, this is a selfish blog. I'm writing for me, for discovery, and if it manages to instill some thought in your minds, then, well, that's just an added bonus.

These couple of posts have just been a mish-mash of random thoughts. It's probably because I don't have a particular topic to discuss right at this moment, or I feel that I'm not ready to share the thoughts that I do have. I'm aware that much of this is just rambling, and I thank you for sticking with it to this point at least. Hopefully it will develop a bit, but until then, you're stuck with my semi-stream-of-conciousness.

You've probably drawn a couple of conclusions about me already. And that's the little about me that you've got from this post...

Sure, Why Not?

It's a blog. Like the millions of others out there on the web.

You know, I'd been toying with the idea of starting one of these for a while now. Each time I think that I'm going to explode with feeling, and each time I just let it sit. Ironically, now would be a time when I don't wanna tell anyone anything in particular...

One of the blogs I've read has the following as the only entry:

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Penis Penis Penis

Wow, a blog. 1. blog n. Short for weblog. A meandering, blatantly uninteresting online diary that gives the author the illusion that people are interested in their stupid, pathetic life. Consists of such riveting entries as "homework sucks" and "I slept until noon today." v. intr. The act of posting to a weblog. Which is why I won't be using it often. Sorry, guys.

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Yeah. Do I believe this? Most probably. Will this one be like that? I hope not.

There are many, many blogs that are like that - to some extent. But I don't neccessarily think that that's such a bad thing. It makes people feel special, feel good about themselves, and that's what people need. Not all the time mind you, but more often than not.

So what is this blog about? Nothing in particular. I've told myself that I'm not going to tell anyone about this blog, so if you're reading this, it's because you accidentally stumbled onto it, and please leave a comment, it would really mean a lot to me, even if it's just 'Hi.'

Now that I think about it, this blog is completely selfish. It's for me, and me only. It's for me to let out what I feel, and for me to try to improve my writing skills - which you have probably realised by now need some polishing. I would, however, treasure anyone who might happen to read it, and I'm always open to chatting to people (just ask me for my msn or something). :)

Mostly though, this blog is just for the sake of having a blog.